Scatter

That is my reaction when I see a large tub of beads fall to the floor. Scatter. Me, not just them. They find their way everywhere. Months later I am rearranging things and I find one. Almost taughting me and snickering, "thought you had me, didn't you?" I am traditionally not one to run away from things. And if you ask most, they will probably tell you the opposite about me. I am stubborn, determined, and unwilling to compromise even the slightest details, even if that means meeting a challenge head on (with a large cup of coffee - black please). However, 2009 was a hard year for me, especially personally. I found myself scattering a lot. In one moment, I'd feel like I had my life together again and the next, SCATTER! My life has felt a lot like that tub of beads lately. Constantly having to resettle after hands have reached in after me and stirred me up. Anticipating will I stay or go? Wanting out. Wanting in. If I go,what is out there? If I stay, where's the challenge? Wanting to SCATTER! And there, I fall. My first feeling is one of freedom as I whiz through the air waiting for the unknown of what touchdown will bring me. The first bounce and roll is fun and I'm excited for this challenge. Soon I'm feeling in control and enjoying the ride, then I hit the unexpected. The cupboard, the chair, some lint on the ground slows me down, and I slowly roll underneath a file cabinet. I feel defeated. It lasts sometimes a moment and sometimes what feels like an eternity. I see through to a crack of sunshine and know that while hiding under a file cabinet may be quiet, uneventful, safe... it isn't what I am about. Despite the sadness, the pain, the failure... I choose to bounce. I first start off with a slow roll outward, gain my momentum, and bounce. About now, you are probably thinking, "Wow, this Mommy Necklaces chic has really lost her mind! Writing such a horrible metaphor about her life! " but it is actually the opposite. While my first blog post is a rambling bit of nonsense (and yes, the metaphor is pretty horrible), the reason I am here is because I'm gaining my momentum back. Instead of losing it, I'm gaining it. Organizing my life. Prioritizing. ...And bouncing around (even if that means whiplash and unintentional file cabinet maneuvers). The point is that I am bouncing. Sure, We're barely into 2010 and I've already had many days where my brain has screamed SCATTER! and for that moment, I do. Roll. Bump. Fly. Fall. Stop. Go. But we all settle back into ourselves eventually, just like that tub of beads I spilt. They eventually stop scattering, I do my best to pick them up, and I continue to pick up every last one - even if that means finding them months later. So with that said, I'll really stop comparing myself to a bead and just say that I'm excited for what 2010 is going to bring. Losing my Grams late last year was the hardest thing I've ever had to go through. At the same time, I've gained so much from it - a renewed faith and a realization that every moment should be cherished. I've realized that while this crazy scattering has given me a massive head and heartache at times, it has also made me incredibly stronger. So bring it on 2010, I've been waiting for you.